Last night I attended a lecture hosted by St.Jerome's that talked about the life and work of Jean Vanier, the founder of L'Arche Community (some fellow Beyond Bordians are working with the L'Arche organization this summer). Listening to Jean's life really got to me - he'd had such an amazing and impactful life, leaving behind a legacy that will hopefully continue on for some time to come. Compared to him, I felt so inadequate, like I had accomplished nothing in my life even though I know that's not true. I have had a great life to date; it hasn't all been sunshine and rainbows but its been challenging and rewarding enough that I like to think its made me who I am. However, when I think of people like Jean Vanier I can' help but compare myself to them - such as by the time Jean was "X"age he'd already done this, whereas I had done nothing even remotely as exciting. I guess it just kind of makes me worry for this summer. Worried not for possibly getting sick or interacting in a completely new culture. It's like John said: we're supposed to have life changing experiences this summer. What if I don't? What if I remain the same? This is what worries me and has since the beginning. We hype up that aspect of the program, making it almost like one of its selling points: "Join Beyond Borders and change your life forever! Have new and enlightening revelations!" I fear that we've built this up so much that no experience I have will meet my imaginary criteria of what a life changing experience constitutes. I want to be inspired, to gain some worldly wisdom. I would consider myself slightly ignorant of all the happenings in the world and while I'm not exactly proud to admit that, for some reason I just can't bring myself to read the newspaper or watch the news and take something away from it. If I can't do that with a newspaper, how am I supposed to take something away from my summer? I think I'll be really saddened and disappointed if I don't feel I experienced what I was looking for this summer. What's more is that when I come back, it won't really communicate what happened over the summer. People will think that just the fact I went there and lived in Nicaragua for 3 months is exciting and profound enough to affect you. But how do I possibly tell them "No - it wasn't. I don't feel I found the inspiration I was looking for"? That is what really worries me.

I greatly admire Jean Vanier and the work that he's done. I can only wish to follow in his footsteps and leave my mark on this world. My generation is the breaking point of the future I believe and its up to us to start the wave of change for generations after us to continue. That's one of the reasons I joined Beyond Borders. I don't expect to make a change while I'm there; as Scott Kline said that's ignorant of us to believe we can do that. I just hope to learn through doing, much like how Freire described his approach to learning - through discussion and interaction and shared experience; I want to remember, even feel, the changes that need to be made and what we can do to bring about those changes even if it doesn't happen in our lifetime. Again, however, it relates back to my worries about not taking anything away from this experience. I guess all I can do is hope that if I don't, someone else will and I will join them on their quest for making a better world.